Peeping

Charlotte: mummy, are you on the toilet?
Me: no
Charlotte: oh good, my poo is peeping out of my bumhole so I need to be quick.
Me: oh, lovely.

Busing

Random ranting bus station man: some fucking people need to fuck off. Fuckers. Fuck off!
Lydia: what did that man say?
Me: not sure
Charlotte: he said fucking fuckers

Slavery

Me: lydia, can you dash upstairs and get me some socks while i put charlotte's cons on please?
Lydia: urgh, I'm not your servant!
Me: no, but you're my kid and it's kind of the same thing.

Sex Ed

Paul (looking at scan pictures) : that's you in mummy's tummy
Charlotte: how did I get in there?
Paul: erm...
Charlotte: was it through the wee hole?

Pooing

Charlotte: mummy, look at my poo!
Me: err, no thanks!
Charlotte: come on! It's really big, not tall big just big. Like a bed for a dog. Come and see!

Moaning

Charlotte: Lydia, if you moan again you're going on the step. Okaay?

Babysitting

Charlotte: Mummy, are you the babysitter?
Me: No. Babysitters get paid to look after the children
Charlotte: You get paid!
Me: Who pays me?
Charlotte: Err, Daddy?
Me: hahahaha!
Charlotte: I'll pay you!
Me: What with?
Charlotte: Money out of your purse!

The Head

Just bumped into the girls headmaster in the coop.
Charlotte (in a really loud voice): I wonder what he's buying. I bet it's beer. Or wine. He's always drinking beer.

Sickness

Me: Charlotte, have you had a good day?
Charlotte: Yeah, Ben Little was sick everywhere!

Toileting

Me: Charlotte, do you need a wee?
Charlotte: No, I'm just playing a song on my bottom. Listen...!

Weight Watching

Me to Paul yesterday: do I look like I've lost any weight this week?
Lydia: errr, not really. In fact you look like you've put a bit on.

Charming.

Domesticated

Charlotte: what I really want in my new room is a hoover.
Me: a hoover?
Charlotte: not a toy one, a real one. So I can clean up when it gets a bit dusty in there.

Names

Charlotte: did you think of a name for me?
Me: yes
Charlotte: what was it?
Me: Charlotte
Charlotte: not bumhead?
Me: no. Lydia wanted to call you Jesus though
<long pause>
Charlotte: we can call the guinea pig Jesus bumhead.

Drinking

Lydia: the worst day of my life was yesterday
me: why?
L: Because the pub burned down
me: Oh right
L: I was really looking forward to going for a drink in there in a few years.

Stealing

Me: Lydia, we do good stuff together don't we?
Lydia: Yes, we're good at stealing.
Me: What?!
Lydia: Yes, we're good at stealing from shops.
Me: Stealing?!
Lydia: I stole a person one time. An african person.

Tea

Charlotte What's this?
Me: it's for recycling, can you put it in the bin for me?
Charlotte: No
Me: Please!
Charlotte: No, it's not rubbish
Me: It is, put it in the bin
Charlotte: It's not rubbish, it's what we have for tea!

Wick 'ed

Charlotte : Ow, that's hot!
Me: Don't keep touching it then!
Charlotte: I have to
Me: Erm, why?
Charlotte: Because I'm a Wick 'ed*

*what she thinks daddy called a bloke driving the wrong way down a one way street.

Wildlife

Me: did you see Charly's dad with that bird?
Lydia: yeah. They're his pets.
Me: cool. What kind of birds does he have?
Lydia: those ones with beaks.

Carefree

Charlotte: that lady dunt care does she?
Me: pardon?
C: she dunt care!
Me: she doesn't care? About what?
C: about you. She dunt care about you. She just walked past cos she dunt care about you.

Ambition

charlotte: when I'm grown up I want to be a fire engine
lydia: when I grow up I want to be on facebook

Bumming

Charlotte: i'm going to make this bed better by rubbing my bum all over it.

This is a practice she's calling magic bumming.

Love

Charlotte: I don't love you, I love mummy.
Lydia: you can love 2 people
Charlotte: no, only one. I love mummy.
Lydia: I love mummy too
Charlotte: you cant, i do. You love daddy

She stinks

Me: what's the matter?
Charlotte: Lydia's bum smells
Me: What?
Charlotte: Her bum smells and she's taken her pants and knickers off
Me: Don't be silly, go to sleep!
Charlotte: I can't she's up there and she stinks
Me: Go to sleep!
Charlotte: I can't, I can still smell her!